Parents don’t have it easy these days, but you want to see your kids succeed. You know how coaching helps adults reach their goals. What if you could be coaching your kids to success too?
The Basics of Coaching
Coaching is all about asking the right questions, powerful questions, to discover what’s at the source of your needs and where you want to go. Coaches believe you are whole, healthy, and resourceful. Thus, you have the answers inside of yourself when it comes to goal-setting and self care needs. Coaches help you get to the bottom of your values, assess your own priorities, and determine a direction and the steps needed to get there.
That’s it. That’s the gist of coaching. Of course, it’s so much more, but that’s the basics.
The Basics of Parenting
Parenting books have been written and overwritten in droves, but let’s drill this down real quick.
Parents are bearing and rearing their kids to grow up self-sufficient and self-reliant in an ugly world. We just want to help our kids be better people than we are. We want to give them opportunities, teach them how to make good choices, and thrive in their own way. There’s so much more to say about parenting, but that’s about the gist of it. So, how can coaching your kids work?
The Basics of Coaching Your Kids
If you were to combine the concepts of coaching with the goals of parenting, you’d find a world of opportunity for both you and your kids. Yes, kids start out whole and healthy and, yes, they are actually quite resourceful! It’s true they may not have all the answers inside themselves, but combining your wisdom as a parent, your concern for their wellbeing, and some key coaching tactics for kids, you can help them draw conclusions that will drive them to success.
It Comes from Inside
One reason coaching is so successful is that the coaching partner (the person being coached) comes to conclusions and makes decisions his/herself. When it comes from inside, you’re more likely to adhere to it. You’re told what to do all the time, but when you realize something and decide something for yourself, it’s more powerful. What’s this look like when coaching your kids?
Mom, I have to create a game for a school project and I don’t know how. Can you help?
What kind of games do you like to play?
I dunno, board games.
What’s fun about them?
I like going around the board and rolling dice. I also like when you land on spaces and draw a card.
Sounds like you’d have fun making a board game. What themes are fun for you?
I dunno. I don’t know any themes. What should I do?
Themes can be any topic or style of something. What are you into that you’ll have fun playing with?
I like soccer, super heroes, and chocolate. Oh! What if I make a board game that’s chocolate-themed and…!
A Little Guidance, A Lot of Open-Ended Questions
Parents may need to explain a few things, but doing so without giving away any—or many—examples will help your kids come up with their own ideas. Once you light them up, they’ll take off. When a child is stuck, it’s frustrating for everyone. Your kiddo just wants you to solve it, but there’s no learning that way. You need to be creative and positive.
Let’s take a tough one, like math. How can something so open-ended be applied to help with something so rigid?
Dad, I can’t do this math!
Let’s see, did you do it in class?
Yes, but she’s too fast and doesn’t explain and doesn’t go over all the steps…
Sounds like you have a lot of reasons to not understand it. What parts do you understand?
None of it!
Are you sure? Sounds frustrating. Let me know when you’re okay looking at it again.
Fine, yeah. I get the first two steps.
Do you have a guide or an example to use?
It’s here.
Let’s go through it one step at a time.
[A few problems later…]
You sound more confident now. Want to do the next one on your own? I’m here if you’re stuck.
Okay, I think I get it, but can you stay?
I’ll stay.
Supporting as a Parent
Coaches support their coaching partners, but when coaching your kids, you’re also a parent. While adult coaching partners make their own decisions, parents have another role. You want your kids to learn to make good decisions and this takes freedom. You also don’t want to let them walk right into poor situation or bad habits. So, where’s the line?
Here’s an example.
I want to quit basketball.
Where’d that come from?
I’m bored of it and I don’t like the girls on my team.
Let’s start with basketball. Do you not like playing anymore?
I’m not into it. I don’t want to do it.
You made a commitment by joining a team. There’s two weeks left.
They don’t need me. I’m not the star player.
You complained yesterday about a classmate not committing to a project? You value commitment.
I do, but… It’s those girls. They hate me.
Do you want to quit basketball or the girls?
I can’t quit people.
You can by playing the game, listening to your coach, and finishing the season. There’s no commitment to befriending people who bother you. Talk to me about what’s happening.
[Longer conversation ensues, but you get the idea.]
Coaching Your Kids to Success
Finding the fine balance between coaching your kids and parenting can be tricky, but it’s possible and it works. You just need to give enough slack on the cord to let them discover their path, with enough grip to catch them when they stray too close to unfriendly ground.
Parenting is hard, but coaching can help, for your kids and for you. Need some support for yourself as you navigate these waters? Reach out.